The Cremator and The Pope

So, the possessed toaster has raised it's ugly head again.

I say "possessed" because it never really cooked toast in a consistant manner. Without changing the "browning" settings on the toaster it would either not cook the bread or burn it to within an inch of it's life.  It was more of a "cremator" than a toaster at the best of times.

Anyway.... Here I was assured that I had witnessed it being ceremoniously dumped in the garbage bin in Sydney, yet, 600kms away I come home and find it sitting on the kitchen bench complete with taunting message in reflector tape, haunting me.

Not only the toaster, but the bastard mongrel "Pope" whippersnipper that I ran over with the lawn egder (somewhat accidentally on purpose) has also turned up.  

Whippersnippers and I DO NOT see eye to eye.  I would much rather push the Victa from here to Perth than to whippersnip a 5cm strip of grass.  However, my father thought it wise to keep the damned thing thinking that he would repair it one day, instead he gave it to Bloke to repair, so here it is back in our shed.  I thought I had done a good enough job so that it would just go to whippersnipper hell, but clearly I didn't try hard enough! 

In hindsight I should have run over the bastard thing twice, but after the first go I had to stop the edger and untangle all the battery lines, starter cord and fuel line before I could go any further.

Those of you involved, sleep with one eye open!  Hilarious!

Popular?

2,265 page views....  From countries all over the world...

Gotta love stats... The question is:  What makes my blog so interesting?

Eitherway, that's pretty good...  I am glad people find my random ramblings so interesting..

Thank you readers!!!!!

Dear Neighbour..

Dear Neighbour,

You may or may not be aware that your dog barks constantly ALL day when you are not home.  Now, I am no Caesar Milan - Dog Whisperer, but I'll hazard a few guesses as to why he/she is barking;

• Classic case of separation anxiety
• He/She could just be hungry
• Was a politician in a previous life
• Has something to say and the WHOLE WORLD needs to know about it
• Likes to sing doggy tunes to other doggies
• Is trying to chat up the neighbours dog cause "he/she sounds cute"
• Trying out for "Australia's Got Talent"
• Is loud n' proud

To those of us that are stay at home mum's, shift workers, or just plain lazy bums that live near you, this is exceptionally annoying and enough to drive a person mentally insane and start to lick windows and/or strangers in the street.  However, I do understand that it is not his/her fault that he/she misses his/her owners.

For the purpose of the rest of this letter I will now refer to your dog as "Rowdy" mostly because I do not know if it is a him or her and "Rowdy" is appropriate and easy to write when referring to your dog.

Whilst I have not made a formal complaint to the Council I can tell you we, as your neighbours, are not far off it.

To put it bluntly, "Rowdy" is a nuisance and "Rowdy's" constant incessant non stop irritating barking is driving us all around the bend.

Frankly, I am sick of having to leave my own home for peace and quiet and I can't afford to go shopping all the time just to get away from the barking - my credit card just can't take the pressure and I am well over going to the movies or the pub, mostly because I am sick of being picked up by unsavory drunken locals that look as though they could do with a good bath in a metric tonne of Dettol, especially considering I am too old and hitched.  However, on that note you really should check out the local Pub, it's new and improved and they have a good steak deal on Tuesday night or keep an eye out for a shop a docket which gets you your second meal for only $5!!!  However, please take "Rowdy" with you so we don't have to listen to the barking.

I am not sure what you can do with "Rowdy's" barking, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, please try!

Lots of love

Us!

Bloke's brush with fame

It's amazing who you see in your little home town!

We were in Safeway on Saturday.  I was being the diligent partner and pushing the trolley whilst Bloke made the decision on what sweet meat was coming home with us for him to transform into some decadent and delicious morsel to be prepared and cooked by my very own MasterChef.

As I stand in a daydream (more than likely perving on Bloke's denim clad rear end) his voice penetrates my thoughts "That's Angry Anderson!". 

A little astounded and shocked by his proclamation of someone famous in this little town I shrugged off his announcement calling "Yeah, ok love"...  However, that did not dampen his persistence that he had in fact spotted Angry Anderson choosing apples in the fruit and veg section.

My reply of "What would Angry Anderson be doing here shopping for apples in Safeway?" whilst turning to the direction in which Bloke was pointing was soon scared for life and proven wrong when I spotted the man himself in all of his Rose Tattoo glory! 

I was soon eating humble pie for doubting Bloke and his star spotting skills!  I stood there slightly shocked when Bloke suddenly dropped the chicken thighs, falling with a thud and said "I'm going to say hi" and bounded for glory off to shake the legendary veteran rock 'n roll outlaw's hand!  I figured he had nothing to lose after all they might be blood bros!

I wonder what apples he ended up choosing and whether he needed them for the roughage.

I wonder if he has a tattoo of an apple somewhere on his body.  I hear that he has a tattoo parlour in Kings Cross.  Maybe I'll take Bloke there to get a tattoo of an apple.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeTBsQmMEpw

p.s. How many Angry Anderson/Rose Tattoo songs have I quoted in this blog?

Prnksers!

How do you keep an idiot busy for the mjority of the morning?

Stick pperclip in the guts of their keybord and see how long it takes them to get it out.

Especilly when it is stuck under the A key.

The Great Murray River Tour

Bloke and I have just got home from a driving tour of the Murray River. 

The Murray River (River Murray in South Australia) is Australia's longest river. It is approximately 2,375 kilometres (1,476 miles) in length.

Starting from the Albury area we made our way to Echuca as our first pit stop on the trip.  Echuca was a thriving river port city during the 19th century but now it is a tourist destination with the odd paddle steamer boats potting down the river. Sadly the paddle steamers of today are powered by diesel instead of steam.  It's a delightfully historic town and it would have been interesting to see it in it's hayday when it was bustling with people from all walks of life.

We went to the Beechworth Bakery for breakfast and meandered around the town and saw a few of the sites and popped into a few camping stores.  Then motored on down the road heading to Mildura for the night.

Dinner was at the Mildura Working Man's Club (yes they let me in!) where up until 1995 it was noted as having the longest bar in the world. Followed by a great sleep at the best and cheapest hotel we stayed in.

Next day was a drive to the Barossa interrupted briefly by a stop at Banrock Station winery just over the Victorian/South Australian Border. We continued on to Adelaide where we stayed with one of Bloke's old friends from when he was a wee tacker and enjoyed a nice dinner and a few drinks and they caught up on old times!

The next morning we started off fairly early and drove through Adelaide headed to Victor Harbour on the coast.  What beautiful scenery!  I was happy to be able to sit back and take in the view.. This is the life!

Victor Harbour is such a decadent little town. Lots of antique shopping and little specialist shops..  A little steam train that goes through town which is a real tourist attraction and popular with kids!  There is also a horse drawn carriage that takes tourists around but we didn't get the time to see that in the two nights we were there visiting family.

What we did see was a Camel in a horse float, which made me wonder if a camel is in a horse float does that mean it is no longer a horse float? Is it now a camel float?  I think it's worth giving some consideration to.

Our trip home was a quick one.  From Victor Harbour to Albury in one foul swoop which is over 800kms at the disadvantage of a couple of field mice and one rabbit who was in the wrong spot at the wrong time.  On that note, why do you always clench your bum cheeks when you run over a critter?

So, back to reality after a relaxing 6 day break driving around and seeing a bit of the Country that I have never seen before (or don't remember seeing before) spending some quality time with loved one(s) and doing some soul searching whilst touring one of our country's beautiful natural wonders, the Murray River.

Reflective support..

I am watching RAGE in between bumming around the house and have made an observation:

Lady GaGa: who else would think about wearing a bra that makes your boobs look like disco balls?

Genious or tacky?

Now, why didn't Madonna come up with that idea instead of traffic cones?

Then Cindy comes on and tells us girls that all we wanna do is have fun, I have to admit that I do agree with her..

Thank being said, I am going to drink a whisky drink, a lager drink and sing a song about the good times.  I'll get knocked down, but I'll get up again..  You just watch me!

:)

Stylin' the waitin crib..

Sitting in the woman’s clinic the other day waiting for my specialist appointment I had the luxury of being able to do some people watching.

I am holding ticket/card no 38 and that’s just to see Reception to tell them that I am here to see the specialist. I am sure that this system works for them, but it sure doesn’t work for us, the long suffering patient! Maybe that’s why we are called patient’s?

So, I am a woman sitting in a room full of other women, pregnant women, mothers who have their screaming children because they too are sick of being “patient” and just want to go home. Instead I sit patiently knowing that I am going to be called at any moment, knowing what I am being called in for and dreading it.

That being said, if I had a choice between an internal examination and a Brain and Spinal MRI I’d choose the internal examination without hesitation.

I’ve learnt that it’s important when in these locations that you avoid your feet or knees protruding as much as you can. There are just some people that are reckless with strollers and have no hesitation in using you as a “wheel chock” so that stroller and precious cargo don’t roll away. Perhaps I look like the kind of woman who doesn’t mind and will not bite their head off when a stroller gets rammed into my foot, bum (soft and squishy as it may be), hip or knee. I’ve got news for them, I’m getting old and crotchety and one day I’ll snap!

Do I look like I want play bumper cars with you? Take a deep breath, and relax!

As I sit there people come and go. Couples are being congratulated on their impending birth. One particular couple where being congratulated by a gyno with a particular cynical tone in her voice. I look up to see what I presume to be Mum, Daughter and a young metro sexual “adolescent” who I can only presume is the daughter’s boyfriend (MSBF). Gyno was congratulating young girl, mother was asking copious amounts of questions even after the appointment (that’s how I worked out she was the mother/future grandmother).

Example of quality bog catchers:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otCpCn0l4Wo

I am disappointed in the lack of bog catchers in MC Hammer's "Pray" film clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xNSgBkum7o
 

Sausages!

On my six (6) hour drive home last weekend, I drove via my sister's hometown to wish her a happy birthday and got halfway and could hear a thumping sound, stopped and checked thinking it might have been my tyre.

In the dark at 8pm with a torch that is about as useful as an empty pepsi box, I couldn’t see or feel anything on the tyre. 

It was a Thursday night, I was on the side of the Hume so decided to push on and got to the Dog on the Tuckerbox and checked again in the light of the Service Centre, only to find that my driver’s side front tyre had delaminated and was in a very very VERY poor state.  Damn! Three (3) hours to go and I would be home!

Alas, I was forced to do the overnight stop at The Dog's place and Friday morning I got two new front tyres from “Jonesy” at Bridgestone where I almost bought some Chicken, fetta and Spinach sausages but figured they wouldn’t be too crash hot by the time I made it home.


Then on Friday arvo I bought two more tyres for the rear from “Neville” cause apparently all of my tyres needed replacing before I returned to Sydney and I got a very VERY stern disapproving look when I got home considering I’d been told the weekend before that they needed replacing… *sigh*. So, now Dorry has four new shoes.

I wonder what those sausages tasted like….. I suppose they shouldn’t be eaten at dinner time cause they have cheese in them. According to Helen's Mum, eating cheese before bedtime gives you nightmares!

Genes shed new light on cause of MS!

Any news is good news I guess!  :)

http://video.news.com.au/2088801502/Genes-shed-new-light-on-cause-of-MS?area=videoindex19

Licorice Slice...

I have no idea what this would be like.. But it might be something different to try!

http://blogs.abc.net.au/sa/2011/03/cwa-quick-and-easy-recipe-licorice-slice.html?site=adelaide&program=riverland_evenings

What's on the blackboard Mr Squiggle?

So, I have absolutely no idea what this says..  If it's rude, I apologise in advance and feel free to tell me so that I can remove it from the blog.  But this was a random message left on the blackboard the other day.



Let's talk about Harry

A few weekends ago we ventured to Canberra for the weekend to do the touristy thing.

On the top of our list was a visit to the Australian War Memorial.  I've always been fascinated by that place.  It's just amazing what these men and women did for our country.  What they did for us now.

Whilst I have heard stories of our relatives going to war..  I do know that most of them didn't go as they were primary producers (dairy farmers).

You really do need to spend a whole day at the War Memorial so we started at 10am and didn't leave until well after 4pm.

After meandering around for hours we found the area where you can look up your relative members who were involved in any battle from WWI to WWII to Vietnam.

I knew that Bloke wanted to look up his Grandfather Arthur and other family members and that was a priority.  I didn't even think about looking up my family members until encouraged by him after he had found out about his ancestors.  When we looked I found my Great Grandfather Harry (on Mum's side).  He had enlisted as a young pup with his two brothers Charles and Robert.  So, my Great Great Grandmother Mary, a widower, sent her three (3) sons off to war all within a few years.

So, Private Charlie C at age 26yrs and 6 months enlisted on 25 April 1916. On 28 June 1916 he joined the Light Horse Brigade (as was Bloke's Grandfather Arthur).  But Charlie was sent home injured 5 September 1916 after only 70 days in camp.  Awarded a British War Medal and a Victory Medal.

Private Robert (Bob) C at age 23yrs and 3 months enlisted on 27 May 1916.  According to documentation, Bob was in the 45th Battalion with his brother Charlie at some point. Bob was also returned home injured on the 12 March 1919. Awarded a British War Medal and a Victory Medal.

Now, as for Private Harry C.. The youngest of the three brothers. My Grandmother's Father (on Mum's side) enlisted on 22 November 1915.  He was returned home on 7 September 1919 and was awarded a British War Medal and a Victory Medal . 

In addition to those medals he was also awarded a Military Medal "For Conspicuous courage and devotion to duty on the night of 4-5th March 1918 during a raid on the enemy trenches in the vicinity of WARNETON.  As a scout non commissioned officer (NCO) he was responsible (with Pvt Smith) for guiding parties to the point of entry from assembly position.  He had gained an intimate knowledge of the ground during the night immediately prior to the raid and was able to lead his parties accurately and quickly to their point of entry.  As the enemy was very active with his machine guns delay in the advance under the barrage would have meant heavy casualties to us.  After entering the enemy trench he fought valiantly till the time for withdrawal." he was then promoted to Lance Corporal in August 1918.

Family skuttlebutt indicates that on that fateful night Harry moulded clods of mud into the shape of grenades to throw at the enemy. In the darkness the Germans thought they were having grenades thrown at them and withdrew.

Other family skuttlebutt indicates that Harry and Bob had been in the same Brigade at some point and were separated.  One day Bob and members of his Brigade were sunning their legs whilst laying in the tent with just their legs protruding out from under the canvas side. I assume they did this to get some Vitamin D and to help heal any injuries, sores, bites they had on their legs.   At this very same time, Harry walks past with his new Brigade and recognises his brother solely because of his feet and they are reunited albeit for a short time.

So, whilst we were going to the War Memorial to find out information about Bloke's family members and to have a look around. We also ended up learning a lot about my family and we walked out of there feeling very proud of our ancestors and their achievements.

Familiarity breeds...

OR as I put it... "Learned Incompetence..."

Friday was a big lesson in learning to concentrate on the task at hand.

I drive a pretty fandangled car. It beeps and whistles at (and for) just about anything.  This includes parking sensors, front, back, left and right.  Whilst they are very bloody handy I can also tune out and become complacent.

My bloke had arrived home late Thursday night and parked in the driveway. Friday morning he was reversing out of the driveway so that I could get my car out of the garage to go to work.  He drives a large 4WD ute and sucessfully negotiated the short drive and carefully avoided the garbage bin even with limited vision due to a canopy on the back of the ute..

However, in my fancy schmancy new fangled car I still managed to smack into the garbage bin whilst Bloke watched helplessly from his car on the side of the street and laughed his head off..

Could he see that I was going to hit the bin but was helpless to do anything about it?  Spot on!
Did I see him waving his hands around at me indicating there was an obsticle?  Not a chance..
Did I hear him yelling at me to stop?  Not over the radio I didn't..
Was the car beeping at me to indicate an obstacle in my way?  It sure was.
Did I listen? Not a snowballs chance in hell.
Was there any damage done? Only to my pride!
Did he have every right to get out of the car and laugh his head off at me? My oath!

Home

What makes a home? Is it a town? A person? A structure? A sense of belonging?  Only an individual can decide that.

One minute you think you know where you are.  You think you know where home is. You think you know where you belong.

But then something happens in your life and you realise that all along you really were lost.  Home isn't where or who you thought it was.

BMXin' in the Burbs

Watch this link:
http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/bike_race.html

Now that you have watched this link, read the following emails between friends:

____________________________________________
From: Sal
Sent: Wednesday, June 01, 2011 4:14 PM
To: Brains Trust
Subject: http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/bike_race.html

I got vertigo just watching this.
____________________________________________
From: Brains Trust
Sent: Wednesday, June 01, 2011 4:29 PM
To: Sal
Subject: RE: http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/bike_race.html

Awesome! Beats the little jumps we used to do on the BMX!

_____________________________________________
From: Sal
Sent: Wednesday, June 01, 2011 4:59 PM
To: Brains Trust
Subject: RE: http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/bike_race.html

We could set up something like that around your house BT.. Your yard is much bigger than mine, plus you have a pool for soft landing, although you do have more trees..

It would be too hard at mine, seeing as you’d have to manoeuvre around the chook yard, veggie patch, hills hoist and over the colour bond fence I between me and the neighbours. Please refer to attached image including use of council land (frankly I am not sure they are gunna love the idea so we better keep it on the down low sista).

For authenticity we’ll need to borrow a neighbour’s dog, webcam duct taped to a spare helmet and use barrier tape to mark out the route.

Whadda ya think?

p.s… Clearly I need to go home.. I am delirious and doped up on lurgy drugs.
p.p.s. Definition of Lurgy: “A fictitious, yet highly infectious disease, sometimes presenting with flu like symptoms”.
_____________________________________________
From: Brains Trust
Sent: Wednesday, June 01, 2011 5:02 PM
To: Sal
Subject: RE: http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/bike_race.html

Hi Sal

Good attempt, however my preferred course would involve dodgy planks of wood from house to house so that the course could be completed off the ground, as long as they get a good speed up. We could throw the chooks as the riders pass for a bit of a distraction, and possibly hire some yobs to cheers as they ride past.

BT
(Ps – who was visiting that day? Hmm?)
_____________________________________________
From: Sal
Sent: Wednesday, June 01, 2011 5:13 PM
To: Brains Trust
Subject: RE: http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/bike_race.html

The dodgy planks of wood are doable.. I have a pile of 20yr old fence palings (I made the chook nesting box out of them) so we could use them as ramps.. sadly I didn’t have time to factor those into the authentic depiction that I attached.

To get even better speed we might wanna wear capes and put spoilers on our bikes.. They must STILL have streamers coming from the handlebars as well as playing cards in the spokes for optimum performance and noise.

Who was visiting? Doesn’t look like anyone was home that day, the neighbours have got the Honda blocking the XR8 in the driveway which is blocking in the Harley in the garage and the XR6 ute parked across the road and the Commodore on the front lawn. Ok, so full house next door… No cars at our place… Sounds like something out of "The Castle".

NOTE: No animals were harmed in the making of this plan.

Dear Barry...

Bazza,

In relation to your current budget, we'd like to show you that we really are serious about keeping it all hunkydory in our department.

Please find attached just one thing we are doing to "keep it real".

Much love.

I maded you a hot chocolate but I dranked it...

Wave at the bus......

What can I say?  Some people are just ingenious! 

http://waveatthebus.blogspot.com/

If only I had a bus route go past my house!




What is your favorite outfit?  Personally I like Day 160 mostly because it's just disturbing...

Brilliant Detective work....

Have a read of this guy's Detective work!

http://iphonetheif.blogspot.com/2010/01/iphone-theif-bust.html?spref=fb

I am the egg lady...

22nd March 2011

I will admit that since I got my new car and having it serviced every 15,000kms I am enjoying being able to relax on those early mornings in the west in a lovely cafe with polite staff and lovely peaceful finches and other squeeky birds in an avery in the middle of the cafe.

The coffee is great, the staff are funny and happy to have a laugh and the bacon, tomato and cheese toasties are tremendous.

Today I am having raison toast for a change.  Mostly because I dont have alot of cash on me.

To my left is a distinguished gentleman with grey hair and a red backpack.  A tradie of some description has just come in.  He is talking loudly on his mobile.  I am assuming he wants the whole world to know what he does.. Must be a plumber.. he is whinging about dishwashers.. I'll confirm that suspicion when he turns around and I see the trademark "plumbers crack".. I won't complain about that though.

I heard on the news on my way to the car yard that it is flooding yet again.

I am sitting in a ray of sunshine.. The first bit of sunshine I have seen in days.  I am staring at the Mercedes Benz show room across from where I am sitting..  Fancy schmancy cars that I will never be able to afford, but, honestly, I am ok with that.

My latte and raison toast has arrived, I am actually quite hungry this morning.

0833hrs..... Oh.. a siren!  Still no plumbers crack... *sigh*

I don't do public transport...

Public Transport experience 12 January 2011
0430hrs...

I am sitting on the platform of my local train station, which by the way is a good 15 minute drive from my home.  I am heading into the city for a 12 hour shift with another Department due to the Queensland/Northern NSW flooding.

So far, a scruffy Aussie has confused me with rail staff and has asked me when the next train to The Riff is until he looked at my name badge and realised that I was wearing the wrong uniform.  Sincerely apologised and scurried off to the next unsuspecting fool. I am going to assume he could not read cause we were right in front of the train schedule board.

An asian couple get on.. He is elderly, hard to tell exactly how old he or she is.  They are carrying an esky between them. I wonder what is in that esky.. Wontons? Dumplings (hmmm, dumplings! *drool*). Their dead cat that they are taking to be cremated?.  She is carrying a brolly because it's raining.  They sit opposite each other - he pushes the esky in front of her. I wonder why, because it's probably all her hard work making those wontons and she is going to bash anyone who knicks them with the umbrella?  She hands him his newspaper, up until this point there has been no words exchanged between the couple.. Still no words.. They have probably been doing this every single morning for god knows how many years (except if it really is a deceased pet in the esky then it would be a one off). She takes out a newspaper..  They sit silently side by side reading their newspapers protecting their wonton cargo.

There is a woman behind me coughing.. Continuously... If I get a bug I will hunt her down and lick her so she gets it back.

0437hrs
I have officially lost my sense of humor. Seriously, what kind of life is this?

Who (apart from the wonton couple) gets up with the sparrows to catch a train to get into the city to start work before 0600hrs?

No wonder I want to try and move out of this city!  I am not even sure which wasy to go when I get to Central Station!  Fortunately, I have about 30 minutes to work it out. 

I can smell chinese food..  It HAS to be the esky...

0439hrs
Half way mark..

Maybe that why I can smell chinese food.. We are going through a large Western City.. Lots of asian restaurants around here.. Delicious...

0455hrs
The wonton couple leave the train, with their precious cargo.. Damn..

Last time I was on a train, the seats were vinyl.. These seats are a material of some description.

0528hrs..
You have reached your destination.

Just to lighten the mood....

And now for an Ikea joke....


What is the difference between a normal meat ball and a swedish meat ball?







The swedish meat ball you eat with an allan key!

The end of social interaction...

After having a conversation with my friend Jen I/we are beginning to think that texting and facebook is contributing to the end of human interaction at it's best.

I wonder whether we loose a connection with people because we SEE what is going on with their lives on Facebook or send them brief text messages therefore we don't bother ringing them to talk one on one anymore because we THINK we have communicated sufficiently.

Have we lost that ability to chat, talk, converse, debate, consult? Have we lost the ability to spell when the average conversation has "LOL" or a smilie face :) attached to it?  Or even "Hi HRU?" "I'm gr8"..  I mean what on earth does all that mean?  Am I a fuddy duddy?

Gone are the days from 20 years ago when if you wanted to know what a friend was doing and you couldn't afford the astronomical phone call the only option was to put pen to paper. 20 YEARS AGO! Where have those 20 years gone?  Long gone are the days where you had to wait three weeks for a person to send you a response to a question via snail mail. 

We live in an instantaneous world, even noodles are instantaneous these days.

Society has changed because we no longer give people out undivided attention. it devalues a person's worth.  So next time you think about one of your friends, pick up the phone and TALK to them.

I guess ironically I am choosing a form of social media to vent this..

Right, I'll get off my soap box now..

A visit with Joseph

My Optometrist's name is Joseph.

He is a funny man, a silver fox estimated to be in his late 40's. 

It's been four (4) years since I last saw Joseph.  Apparently this is unacceptable especially since I've had optic neuritis.  So, have I been told today?  Yes I have!

I did find out that whilst my optic nerve was swollen for some weeks and after being on steroids in hospital for four (4) days I have minimal long term damage to the optic nerve which is good news. In fact, he toyed with the idea of not even changing my right eye script from 2007.

So, two pairs of glasses and a pair of new fancy Oroton sunnies later I walk out $585 poorer promising that I will be back in 12 months for another check up..  I did walk away feeling positive and with one piece of useful inside information and perhaps the secret to being a good Optometrist.

When I asked "Why is it so difficult to choose glasses?"
Joseph "We make it that way deliberately"
"Why?" I ask
Joseph's answer "Because it means you spend more time with us"....

Awww..

Life in the burbs..

It's a beautiful sunny day here in the burbs.. 

I have my third load of washing on, cleaning the house, the mentalheads are frollicking in the backyard, the chooks are fed, the washing is gently moving in a slightly chilled breeze on the hills hoist.

I've spent some time in the garden weeding and soaking up some much needed morning Vitamin D after a week of being office bound...  Hung a bag of garden goodies and shared some of my fruit stash after a visit to the fruit and veg market yesterday on the fence pailing for my neighbours.

THEN the peace is shattered.

My wonderful kind beautiful neighbour starts listening to not only country, but western too..

She is singing "stand by your man" at full volume.... Not only once, but twice.. It must be a favorite.

I see that I have three choices: 1. Tape up the windows and vacate the house; 2. Counteract with some Aerosmith; or 3. If ya can't beat 'em join 'em.

So, because I have to suffer... You do too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZr0_ic1304

Oddly enough, it was top of the pops in the year I was born!  Now, that's a piece of useless information!

Thank you to Tammy Wynette for that toe tappin' goodness!

Enjoy!

Henny and Penny..

The new additions to the family...

Bovine Bribery...

Here is the old girl...  Mileve :)

One good deed leads to a new UBD...

On my way home on Wednesday night.. Car is literally running on vapor.. It's been three weeks since my last visit to the bowser so I figure I had better juice up..

Travelling along a main arterial road near my home towards my favorite petrol station I pass a Motorhome on the side of the road, snicker to myself thinking "oh boy are they lost!".

So, I pull into the service station, wait for a truck to finish filling up as there is only one diesel bowser.  I start to fill up and low and behold the lost motorhome cruises up beside me.

Two people get out of the rear, two people get out of the front. Driver stands in front of me and stretches. It's almost 7pm.

I say to driver "looks like you needed that".
He says "Yeah, it's been a long day"
Me: "Where have you come from?"
Driver: "We flew into Brisbane this morning and got straight in this thing (motions to motorhome) and here we are!"
Me: "Where did you fly in from?"
Driver: "New Zealand. Here for a few days for a Machinery show.  You wouldn't happen to know where the nearest caravan park is would you?"
Me: "No idea! I'll find my UBD"...

So, after a lengthy conversation in the petrol station.. and to cut a long story short, these Kiwi's had flown into Brisbane and driven down here in a motorhome to Sydney with a map that is dreadful.  So, I gave them my UBD so that I would feel comfortable in knowing that they wouldn't get lost again..

God bless their wooly socks!

The adventures of TJ & Robyn

Follow TJ on his venture around Oz...

http://tjontheroadagain.blogspot.com/

Pigeon with no where to go..

Monday 16th May 2011

So the little grey pigeon that was in my backyard this morning looking a little puffed up and disheartened has sadly passed away while I was at work. I did think that he/she had just landed in my yard because it’s welcoming and warm and had good intentions of making friends with the chooks. Clearly I was wrong.

This evening I rang the 1300 number on his/her band however they have gone home to roost for the night. I'll try again in the morning. Meanwhile he/she is in a box just in case the owners want it.

Tuesday 17th May 2011

So, it seems that pigeon fanciers only fancy pigeons if they are alive... The lady at the pigeon fanciers society advised me to put him/her in a plastic bag and dispose of him/her in the garbage bin. Such a sad, unromantic way to go. So I am going home to give it a fitting burial in the backyard.

Whilst I have had some tremendous ideas of making a meal out of the plump little bird I think that it is best that he have a proper burial considering the sad circumstances of his passing.

RIP #303 pigeon.

And it's not even winter yet...

I can smell the faint smell of smoke from a wood burning heater. We seem to be experiencing a crazy cold snap... I didn't think we were allowed to have them in this council area.  I guess it's nice to know that they still exist.  I think this house had one once, but the previous owners removed it. 

Currently it's 7 degrees outside.. I have the inside of the house at a balmy 25 degrees..

I think it's a miracle.. So, I won't whinge about it being cold... 

Keep warm kids ;)

Geoff's Muffins...

Raspberry & White Chocolate Muffins

Ingredients:

2 cups self-raising flour, sifted
3/4 cup caster sugar (superfine)
1 cup sour cream
2 eggs
1 tsp finely grated lemon
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1 1/2 cups raspberries, fresh or frozen
1 cup chopped white chocolate

Method:
Preheat the oven to 180 degrees Celsius. Place the flour and sugar into a bowl and mix to combine. Combine the sour cream, eggs, lemon rind and oil and whisk together. Stir the sour cream mixture into the flour mixture until just combined. Fold through the raspberries and chocolate and spoon the mixture into 8 x 1 cup (250 ml) capacity muffin tins lined with paper patty cases. Bake for 25 – 30 minutes or until cooked when tested with a skewer. Makes 8.

If using frozen raspberries, no need to defrost them first.

An afternoon of bliss...

Recently whilst travelling we dropped into a place that I had heard of, but never been to..  I have been to a similar place in Launceston called the Roman Baths which has since closed down.

It's always been somewhere I wanted to check out, but never had anyone to go with.  Fortunately the day we were driving through it was pouring rain, cold and miserable.. Not the day I had hoped it would be, but it actually turned out to be a perfect day to be lazing around in 40 degree heated pools with a gorgeous view of Lake Lyall near Lithgow.

The sauna takes your breath away and quite literally makes you soak in the eucalyptus steam, its cleansing, relaxing, soothing and just lets all your worries float away.. I could have quite easily nodded off whilst in the 40 degree mineral pool.

So, needless to say, now that I have been I am addicted..  I am planning a girlie weekend there again later on during winter.

If you are ever free on a Saturday afternoon you should check it out, be sure to book first though.. Sincerest apologies if you run into me!

http://www.japanesebathhouse.com.au/bathhouse.asp

Have you got your phone?

Mum has just come back from a weekend away with her cronies..

When they were unpacking, one of her friends discovered that instead of packing her mobile into her bag, she packed the cordless home phone.

Meanwhile, her mobile was sitting on the kitchen bench at her home some 230kms away..

Needless to say, the cordless phone had no reception and she couldn't call her husband to tell him they'd arrived safely!

I just know that I am going to be like that one day..... Crazy senile!

Karma...

At lunch today I was discussing the fact that I haven't been to the Optometrist for years..

Tonight, on the way home.. The bloody lense fell out of my glasses.. 

It's a sign!

So, it's off to the Optometrist on the weekend for me!

A new view on life.....

So today was day one of my new job.  I have a lovely new corner desk with a window and a stunning view of the carpark and a phone number that is really easy to remember!

Haven't I got a handful ahead!  I've come home with heaps of reading and a head full of ideas and thoughts.

Going by what I learnt today, I will have my work cut out for me.

Fortunately I have some experience in what I will be doing, so all isn't quite as daunting as I had first thought.

Night night Kids, I've gots me some readin to do!

Bloody Camry drivers!

I’ve just been to Target. When I came back to the car some moron driving a Camry adorned with Frangipani stickers and seat covers had parked so damned close to my driver’s side door it wasn’t funny.

Now, I am no waif, but even if I was the skinniest rake of a thing I would not have been able to squeeze my arse into the drivers seat, in fact the only way I would have got in is if I morphed into vapour!

Needless to say I waited for 15 minutes for the offending driver (presumably a young woman with classy taste in car accessories) to turn up. But alas, my patience dissipated quicker than expected, plus I was sitting on wet ground doing a spot of people watching and my arse was becoming a little too damp.

However, I will admit that I did use those minutes wisely figuring out how I was going to get into the drivers seat NOT plotting the demise of “frangipani Camry driver”.

So, here is what I did:

Attempt no. 1: I sat in the passenger seat and attempted a shuffle across. FAIL! Jeans are restricting my flexibility. Plus I was risking the possibility of having to call an ambulance saying “ah, I am stuck in my car with a centre console up my bum".

Attempt no. 2: I pushed the front passenger seat as far forward as possible. Sat in the back seat removed my jeans (thank god for excessively tinted windows) and was counting my blessings on my choice of undies this morning.. Then squirmed my way over between the front seats, a foot on the drivers and another on the passenger side then gracefully parked my arse into the drivers side with a bit of squirming and squeezing.

It would have been a riot for any spectators!

Did I leave them a note? NO! But blimey was I tempted! Sadly, getting out of my car in a busy car park wearing only undies and a t-shirt wouldn’t be seen as “socially acceptable” nor graceful for a lady of my stature, plus I didn’t want to spend the night in the lock up for indecent exposure.

I then drove home in my undies praying that I wasn’t pulled over by the Police OR in a car accident. I know that Mum always says “make sure your wearing good undies in case you get hit by a bus”.

However once I got home I did find my neighbour on my front lawn waiting for me. Thankfully I had enough time to pull into the garage and pull my pants on before she spotted me sans pants.

New blog to the list

I have added a new blog to my list of favorites.

I don't even remember where I came across it.  But for Sydney Foodies it's a good read!

http://www.theunbearablelightnessofbeinghungry.com/

The $34 challenge: closure

I've just realised that I have neglected to give my readers closure on the $34 challenge.

At day seven (7) with three (3) days to go and $15 left in the budget I had to do a dash visit to the pharmacy for medication which sadly put me over my budget.

I guess if I hadn't have needed to run off to the pharmacy I would have succeeded in my challenge.  I am fairly confident that I would have survived on $15 for those three days quite easily considering I had my groove on.

So, lessons learnt?  I can survive on a shoe string budget.  BUT, only if you:
Have some lettuce and veggies in your garden.
Have the freezer is stocked
Keep the pantry stocked with of staples
Can use a little imagination with creating meals from literally nothing.
Can do without newspapers and magazines
Have the Internet.

All those things in mind.  I don't have pay TV, the $34 didn't include utilities (gas, water, electricity), nor did it include fuel for the car (I have a fuel card paid through my salary) nor did it include food for the Mentalheads and the Chooks because their welfare is more important than mine and because they cannot just cook up some toast if they are feeling a little "peckish".

I've also learnt that it's nice to have meals out every now and then, but blimey they take a huge chunk out of your wallet!

Has this made me tighten my purse strings?  Hmm, yes and no.  It has made me more conscious of what I am buying.. Do I really need that? Will it improve my lifestyle?  It has made me be smarter with my dollar and has made me make my money work for me, not the other way around.

Am I going to create a household budget?  Because I've never had one before.. Might be time to do a rough budget for utilities, mortgage etc.. But it won't be fish arse water tight, life it far too short for that!

Right, now I am off to lunch with some work mates!  Hmmm, green curry!

That is all!

Be careful of what you ask for...

Because you just might get it........

Recently I have been discussing the options of moving on from where I am currently.

So, it seems I kinda got what I wanted in a round about way.

I've got a new job.  Start date yet to be confirmed, but I am really looking forward to a new challenge.  It will be another opportunity to expand my skillset, do some PR and become a little more confident in myself all in the spirit of exercising the ol'grey matter!

Am I shit scared? Hell yeah! But in a good way!  I'll keep you posted!

Day 3 - OHS issues

Ok, so it has become apparent that I need to set myself some more parameters.  I may need to write a bit of a ruling on what I can and cannot include in the $34.

As of yesterday, after a visit to the local Bunnings Store to pick up a 9 volt battery for the smoke detector, do a few burn outs in the carpark and put my car stereo on my most favorite "doof doof" CD - Queen's "I want to break free", there is debate for AND against it being included in the $34 budget.

It IS part of my normal living expenses so it should be included.  However it is also a safety risk if I don't have a battery installed in the smoke detector.  I guess if it was hardwired I wouldn't be having this issue. I DO have a duty of care to the occupants of my home so, here is my question: 

Do I or do I not include the $6.98 battery in my $34 budget?  Should I consult my Accountant? Or, do I just get a life?  lol.

Post from Facebook

Sal

Day 3 - I only have $27.02 left because I had to buy a $6.98 battery for a smoke detector OR could that be seen as an OHS issue and therefore struck off the budget? After all, it IS a safety risk. The fact that it's still sitting on the kitchen bench is irrelevant.

Warren and Lisa like this.

Lisa: Safety issue doesn’t count. Especially since there was publicity from fire brigades about changing the batteries at Daylight Saving (so you could say it was a work related expense?)

David: Yes, I'd try the tax deduction angle as well, but honestly, surely this could have waited until next pay if you are as strapped as you claim to be!!

Sal: Ok, then. So after these comments and a discussion around "the water cooler" in the last few minutes the consensus is that the $6.98 for the smoke detector battery should be omitted from the budget because it's a safety issue?

Sal: Dave: I am not strapped, I am just proving a point to myself. But, yes, you have a point; it COULD have waited till the $34 challenge is over.

Meanwhile I am now on $27.02 and it has now become apparent that I need to think about some rulings.  If any of my readers have suggestions comments are welcome!

Tonight's dinner on a budget from the freezer, fridge and pantry:
Chicken with mushroom gravy with Ribbon pasta (fresh lasagne cut up in strips), Broccolini and Brussel Sprouts.  Also made enough for lunch or dinner tomorrow! Bazinga!

Closing balance after Day 3 - $27.02c.

Day 2 of the $34 Challenge

Day 2 in the $34 challenge and I am desperate for a coffee from the cafe downstairs. Maybe I can just walk past and sniff the coffeebeans for a hit or even pash some poor unsuspecting person (preferably male) who has just taken a swig of his deliciously frothy Latte with a light scattering of chocolate powder on top of the frothy goodness that just glistens in the sunlight and does a slight shiver when the protective lid of the take away container is taken off it for the first time, just like when your nice and warm and take your jacket off..

Maybe they could just give me the lid and I could lick the froth off the bottom of it.. Desperate times and it's only day 2!

Oh GOOOOODDDDD I NEEEDDDDD CCCOOOOFFFEEEE!

I've been up since 0430am as I had to take a friend to hospital for surgery..  It is these times that are sent to try us.. I might head out to the kitchen and make a double strength Nescafe and dream of freshly roasted aribica beans.

I will however claim that I am not doing this because I have no money.  I am doing this to prove a point to myself.  So please, whilst I appreciate the thought, don't ring me asking me if I need to borrow money, because I don't! That's not the point! God bless ya cotton socks!

0722hrs - Total spend of the $34 at this point in time - $0!

Off to Nescafe land I go.. Wish me luck!

P's but no corn please!

Today I am a proud Aunt..

My clever neice has not only bought herself a fantatic little car recently, but today she got her P plates!

She is going great guns at school and she even has a job.

Not that I am biased, but why can't more teenagers be so damned sensible and responsible.. Admittedly she has been raised exceptionally well.. She is intelligent and constantly has her nose in a book.

She's a clever kid and I am awefully proud of her..

Yeah, ok, so I am biased!!

Well done Sunshine and congratulations on getting your licence! 
Love ya lots x

The $34 challenge!

Challenge:

This morning whilst looking for that elusive postage stamp in my wallet I counted the money I currently have to my name. $34!  Mostly $5 notes and a few 5c coins that I don't count.

So, I need a bit of a challenge don't I!  So, I am going to try and live on it for the next fortnight.. What will it be: epic fail or success?


To keep me on the straight and narrow I am going to blog it..  This may bore you to the point of wanting to flush your own head in the toilet and some of you may even prefer to read a Mills n Boon book (do they still exist?), however stick with me even through the boring parts!
 
The $34 does not include:
Fuel for car (I have a fuel card)
Alcohol (ok, ok, maybe I am stretching the friendship here)
Pet food (because their welfare comes first)
Utility bills (phone, water, electricity, council rates, gas etc)
Necessary birthday presents for friends (there is a few coming up)
 
Rules:
Friends are not allowed to help me. 
I have to live out of my pantry and fridge/freezer.
Meals at work functions are not counted.
No unnecessary purchases of cardigans.
No Graysonline, No Ebay
Nothing for house projects
 
If my readers think I should be adding other rules, please feel free to comment.
 
Day 1 - Monday 4th April 2011
 
Full tank of fuel.. Not that it's included, but we'll see how long a tank of fuel lasts.
 
No cafe coffee this morning... *sigh* seriously, who can live on Nescafe?  I think that's going to be the worst part of this.. Nescafe at double strength might be the way to go. 
 
Lunch consisted of noodles out of my draw.. Normally it might be "chicken in a tin with VitaWheats".
 
Dinner tonight is another story!  Stay tuned!  Maybe this isn't going to be so hard after all!

The curse of Kenny Rogers

Kenny Rogers…. One of the world’s most famous musical artists…

I have had this song “The Gambler” in my head again for the last few days.

Lord knows I have tried to erase it by singing other ditties such as “Baby hit me one more time” by Brittany Spears and a Monty Python classic “I’m a Lumberjack” but to no avail. Maybe I should try a Justin Bieber song, that should do the trick, if only I knew one!

I now hope that this song is in your head, because if it is.. My job here is done.  Enjoy the tunes!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kn481KcjvMo

Shopping is dangerous..

Yesterday I spent the day with my best friend Aaron.

We had a lovely leisurely breakfast in town teamed with a spot of people watching and then meandered onto the shops for some serious "Aaron's going on holidays" clothes shopping with me playing the part of his style guru..

Whilst I wouldn't let him buy yellow or green jeans due to the fact that in my opinion they just scream "LOOK AT ME I'M GAY!", I did let him buy a whole heap of other things including a red dress shirt that looked just spiffy!

Time for a quick haircut and a dash into a "closing down sale" on the main street.  As we are walking out of the shop. I was walking and talking at the same time and not at all taking any notice of where I was stepping in my wedge heels and missed a step. Tumbling towards the ground at a fast pace I sensed impending doom and went to brace myself coupled with Aaron grabbing me from behind and a poor unsuspecting lady in a wheel chair who sadly happened to be closing in on me at an extraordinary pace.  I am not sure if she was trying to break my fall or was just not realising she had a mad woman falling in front of her.

Needless to say, I did manage not to fall, I don't know how, what I do know if that my right shoulder took the brunt of it and I heard a deafening POP.. Closely followed by loss of sensation and feeling in my right arm and excruciating pain.

After assuring onlookers that I was perfectly fine, cursing myself for not looking where I was going and a painful hug from Aaron, he realised I was in trouble! I had dislocated my shoulder but it had popped back in again thankfully.  Whilst I still had no sensation in my arm he manipulated and checked and and neither of us could hear anything untoward thankfully!

I guess being a St Johns Ambo DOES pay off!

How did we make ourselves feel better?  Yep, that's right, we went shoe shopping! :)

To the people I love...

You know who you are... 

I wouldn't be the person I am today without you.. 

I thank you for that.

Thank you for the hugs
Thank you for the advice
Thank you for the tears
Thank you for the laughs, oh so many laughs
Thank you for the lifetime of unconditional love and understanding
Thank you for putting up with my ups and downs
Thank you for the confessionals
Thank you for the confidentiality
Thank you for the coffee
Thank you for the wine
Thank you for coming into my life in some way shape or form
Thank you for being you


Love you long time xoxoxox

Toilet paper...

It's funny isn't it how odd things trigger memories..

For me, one of those things is toilet paper.

Once again a story from when I had just moved from a small quaint country town to a raging metropolos of a major city..

I was in the ladies toilets of Town Hall train station... I had once again caught the wrong train, or I was swapping trains or something along those lines and had been desperate to use the amenties.. Perhaps I'd had a bad curry or something, I don't quite remember.. TMI?  Yes, sorry.. Too much information.

ANYWAY.....

Here I am sitting in a stall... Mum's wise words ringing in my ears "Don't put your hand bag on the dirty floor, hang it on the back of the door or put it in your lap"....

The bathroom is busy.. Peak hour.. Women are coming and going... Perfumes come and go as does the chatter and clomping of heels on tiles..  As I am finishing off my business and go for the toilet paper, I am cleaning up and I hear a woman's voice from the stall beside me "Are you going to leave some toilet paper for others?" at first I didn't realise her agressive tone was directed at me, so I disregarded until I came out of the cubical and was confronted by a cowly looking woman who then proceeded to berate me loudly about the amount of toilet paper I had just "consumed" leaving the rest of the women in the city toilet paperless.

Please bare in mind I didn't think that I had consumed an excessive amount of toilet paper, nor did I think my own Mother would have disapproved of my usage.

Obviously as a young country girl I apologised and considered myself "told" and went scarpering with my tail between my legs being concious of the amount of water I used whilst washing my hands as she watched me.  I assume she got great delight out of screaming at me like a banchee in the tiled arena of the ladies toilet.. I hope she enjoyed that moment, because if she had done it to me now that I am older and wiser I would have knocked her down a peg or two..

To this day, some 16 years later, I wonder where that woman is...  I'd like to buy her a pack of toilet paper (Quilton of course, only the best) just to spite her..

Fuck her and her soap box!

Buses and I don't mix....

Well, there seems to be a few bus stories on my list.. God knows by... 

When reading this, please bare in mind that I moved to this city as a fresh faced 18 year old from the country.. The town I moved from had a population at the time of 1,700 or so.  The first building I worked in had a population of 6,000!  So, you could say that it was all a bit of a culture shock.

1. I once fell asleep on the 95 bus to the city.. I was supposed to get off BEFORE the bridge.. But ended up in the city.  I was only new to this grand city so really didn't have a clue how to get around just yet.

Meanwhile I am late for work, and I had to figure out which train to catch back to the North side..  Scary for an 18yr old country girl in the middle of a crazy city.

2. I once caught the wrong bus home...  I don't even know what bus it was, once again, young, nieve with obviously very bad eyesight.

The delightful bus driver and I were chatting, it was late at night.. He realised I was a country bumpkin fresh to the city who had absolutely no freakin clue.. So, against the rules, he drove me home..  How's that for customer service.. Thank you State Transit!

3. I was catching a bus from the Airport to the City early one Monday morning after being away for the weekend.  I was getting off the bus at Central Train Station. I was exiting from the rear carrying a lot of baggage, however clearly I exiting the bus fast enough for other passengers. During this process I was pushed from behind thus thrusting me forwards like a horse coming out of the starting post although, not quite as gracefully...

Needless to say, I was laying half on the foot path and half in the gutter with my body partially under the bus with luggage ahoy and passagers trampling all over me.  I wanted desperately to see the funny side of it, but all I could do was cry.

Not one miserable bastard attempted to help me up while I layed there half on the foot path and half under the bus.. It was then I realised it was a "dog eat dog" world and I was on the bottom of the food chain. It was time for this country gal to smarten up and grow some balls... So I picked myself up before the bus ran over me and I limped off with my head held high.
4,  This one isn't entirely bus orientated, but it does include a bus trip!
I am one of the many flights from the city to my home town in the country.  It's a Friday night.. I haven't been home for a while, so feeling a little home sick and missing my Mum's awesome cuddles.
So, plane goes to land in my home town, and due to minimal visabilty (damned fog) we cannot land.  Which means we have to travel onto the next airport which also happens to be a three (3) hour drive further down the coast.

So, the airline had to charter a rikkety old bus to transport us back up the coast.. Arriving at 12am, tired, emotional.. Once again, crying..

5. Apparently according to the list I lost my keys at the train station circa 1998.. Apparently there is a story behind this incident. That must be a suppressed memory, because I'll be damned if I can remember that!

Is it any wonder I don't do public transport these days..

PS.  My beautiful, talented and smart neice has informed me that I have missed a bus story!

6. In 1995 travelling on the bus up the coast to Sydney for a job interview with my pregnant sister.  I actually think that we got lost in the city at some point... I actually think this memory is rather suppressed.. Clearly I was traumatised lol.
Anyway...  Travelling on the bus on the way home, we sprung a leak... One of the inside rear tyres blew and from memory the bus driver couldn't change the tyre and we had to wait for AGES for another incompetent to come along... Needless to say, we were delayed getting home once again.

I'm so going to stick to trains, planes and sedans from now on.

If I was a Superhero....

The reason why I am called "Spiderpants" by some close friends.

I used to own a 2br unit in the West.. It was quaint, sunny and homely. It had two balconies, one off the lounge room that overlooked the driveway and car park and another off the main bedroom that overlooked the clotheslines of which I rarely used in the five (5) years that I lived there, I used a clothes horse on the balcony.

One particular day I was bringing in the washing that was on the bedroom balcony and dumping it on the bed whilst talking to a good friend of mine. At some point during this process I realised that I had inadvertently provided transport for a large hairy spider of some description, at this point I screamed, jumped up and down flapping my arms around like an emu trying to take flight all whilst still on the phone. Needless to say, the phone was dropped and I managed to scoop the spider up in a work skirt, hooking my thumb into the belt loop, I ran onto the balcony and flung the shirt high in the air knowing it was securely hooked around my thumb, thus flinging the spider far far away whilst keeping the skirt secure.

What I didn't factor into this maneuver was if there were any other articles hooked up in the skirt. Sadly, whilst I kept my skirt I watched the spider go soaring through the air closely followed by a pair of my black lacy knickers which lost momentum and floated to a gentle landing on the balcony of my neighbour directly below who happened to be a young single guy.

CRAP!  How am I going to get them back without drawing attention?

Where is the fishing rod? I fly down to the garage.. No fishing rod.. Damn!

So, I made an executive decision.. They can stay there until he (or a poor unsuspecting girlfriend) removes them.. I figure it's best to cut my losses and not say a damned thing, let him wonder how a pair of lacy black knickers got on the balcony.

Needless to say, those knickers stayed on that balcony for a good few weeks before being thrown off the edge. 

I then sent them to knicker heaven... They had served their purpose in this life. It was time for them to have some peace.

Significant incidents of a somewhat unfortunate kind....

I've been having a bit of a clean up in this household...

Why do we collect so much... STUFF!  Admittedly, I am not a hoarder, I like to live simply.  Yes I can get a little lazy and leave things lying around, lord knows I have my good days and bad days just like the rest of us.

I cleaned out the guest room yesterday. There was some paperwork that had made it's way there a few months ago during renovations and a housemate moving into the "office", so things just got put where there was an empty space.

As I have put in for a job in the country I figured in the off chance that I am successful I really should start to get this house into some form of order to streamline the process should I have to move.

Anyway... During the clean up, I found a list of.... Let's say "incidents" that have occurred during my life.. Some of them I have already forgotten about, others are still vivid.  I thought, in the effort of trying to retain these memories that I would share them with you one at a time over a few weeks in no particular order. 

Feel free to nod off, skip forward or log off at any time I won't be offended!

I hope you enjoy them as much as I have enjoyed reliving them.

Illness of an avid reader...

Dear Ol'bastard

I am sorry to hear that you haven't been well...  I do hope that you feel better soon.

Some tips for you:

1. Please refrain from using ladders.  They cause nothing but strife and it is advised that you do not use them in the presence of cats (of any colour).

2. Please avoid using heavy machinery/equipment for the next few months.  Heavy machinery used incorrectly can cause serious harm to one that is not experienced.  Please take care and get some training before operating equipment such as drills, chainsaws, electric kettles and whippersnippers (please note that ladders may also be included in this).

3. Avoid machinery whilst under the influence of prescribed drugs.  I think this goes without saying, however, you are a mere male, and let it not be said that I didn't warn you about the dangers of climbing a ladder under the influence of Viagra....  Whoops I meant Oxynorm.

4. You might wanna put your glasses on.  But ensure you secure them around your neck on one of those ol'lady/man strings.. I'll buy you one and pop it in the post for you.  DO NOT use a shredder unless you are either wearing your glasses or they are on your desk or neatly tucked away in your walking frame.

5. Teach the dog to dial 000.  She might need it too should you happen to run over her... Again.

I do hope these few tips have helped and that you have a speedy recovery.

Chin up!

Feet up in the stirrups please...

I have a flash back to a joke that I once heard about a woman who was going to see her Gyno and was running late and gave herself a wash with her daughter's face washer and ended up with glitter decorating her giny like she'd been bedazzled by fairies...

It's been 7 months since the operation to scrape, burn and cut cancer cells from my cervix. After the surgery the surgeon had a brief chat to me and said that he was happy with the outcome and that he did have to cut a fairly large chunk out of my cervix and performed a dilation and curettage (D&C) while I was on the table.

Three (3) months after the operation in October I had to see Dr N for a check up and for her to give me the results from the operation which indicated that all the cancer cells had been captured, killed, burnt and it was looking positive :) However I did have to heal for six months before I could have another pap smear.

So, fast forward six months to February, I've just been to a formal funeral.. I've been standing in the soaring 36+ degree heat for at least four (4) hours in full dress uniform (including woolen vest).  I am sweating like a sinner in line for confession and feeling a little woozy.

Why didn't I bring a bottle of water... In fact, why didn't ANY of my colleagues bring water?  There were at least a thousand of us standing in the heat at attention for an extended period of time.. It's a wonder one or more of us didn't drop like a fly!

So, I have to leave Donny's funeral early to get to the hospital to see Dr N.  On the way there I have the air conditioning in the car going at full belt so that I am not smelly and sweaty when I get to the hospital.. Wishful thinking?  Probably!  I had to stop on the way there and buy two bottles of water to rehydrate otherwise she may have me passed out in the stirrups! (don't try and imagine that cause it will just have you in counselling for the next 12 months!).

Fortunately I found parking easily for a change (the gods must have been with me) and I get there just in time.  Dr N is prompt as usual and was a little shocked at my appearance and questioned the "pomp and ceremony" in which I was dressed.

Dr N is one of those Doctors who really seem to care.  She is very friendly and easy to talk to.  I have to admit that I've been very fortunate when it comes to all of my specialists and my GP.

So, Dr N and I have a chat.. We discuss my test results again, she explains the procedure that she is about to perform which involves a scrape of cervical cells, testing them with a few different solutions including vinegar and iodine to see if the cells react.  If they react there is still cancer present, if they don't I am essentially cancer free! 

So, a test of the cells comes up with no reaction... I hear Dr N give a little giggle (holy crap have I got glitter?) and she tells me there is no reaction!  I could just hug her (if I wasn't on the table in a compromising position) Dr N also tells me that my cervix has healed well and looks "beautiful"..

So, Dr N does a pap smear.. Results come back to my GP in a fortnight, however, essentially going by preliminary tests, it's pretty safe to say that I am footloose and cancer free!  How chuffed am I!

Bring on the swiss cheese!

To be honest, I was really apprehensive about my latest visit to Dr H.  Frankly I was expecting doom and gloom and took the whole week off work so I could wallow in self pity.

Dad, Aaron and I wonder on down to the Hospital.  This is Dad's first experience with any of my medical appointments.  Mum wasn't able to attend due to a Dr appointment of her own, so she sent Dad instead.  It is also a good opportunity for a Daddy Daughter visit to Bunnings :).  I am only allowed to go to Bunnings with adult supervision otherwise it could get expensive.

Anyway.....

So, we wonder in.. Wait for about half an hour and I help a lady with her bracelet that she can't put on (god alone knows why she thought the doctors waiting area was a good idea to put in on, but, anyway...).

Dr H calls my entourage and I in, introductions are made.. He remembers Aaron and seemed interested in meeting Dad, asked where Mum was and then it was down to business.......

So, I have one additional lesion in a frontal lobe..  However, after my 90 minutes in the tunnel of doom and a syringe of contrast, what lesions I have in my brain are NOT active.  Effectively making my MS stable!  No, but wait, it gets even better!  As a bonus, I do not have any lesions in my spinal cord!  Yay!

The lesions that I have have remained stable, they have not expanded nor have they shrunk.  Apparently lesions could disappear all together.

Technically because I am stable, Dr H sees no point in putting me on Meds because I have not had any other obvious "episodes", which could include numbness down one side of my body, weakness in a limb or another situation as before when I have Optic Neuritis (swelling of the optic nerve resulting in loss of vision)... BONUS!  He however wants to see me if I have another episode and would like to monitor my progress on a six monthly basis.  We had a discussion regarding diet and vitamins.. Which resulted in me giving him a run down of what vitamin suppliments I am on, including 2000 international units (IU) of Vitamin D which most MS patients seem to be lacking.  However, he has insisted on a blood test to check my vitamin levels.

For those interested in what a lesion looks like, I have included some pictures of my brain and circled the obvious lesions in red.

Question:

What would happen if a moth fell in love with a butterfly (or vice versa)?

The moth sleeps all day...  The butterfly sleeps all night...

Vale Donny Deppeler 31/01/2011

What a funny ol' fella was Donny!

You were an institution mate!  You will be sadly missed.. I will miss your big hugs and kisses and the cheeky voice on the other end of the phone.  I will miss your requests for a date and marriage even if you were old enough to be my father..

I am glad you died doing something that you loved.  I guess it would have been the way you wanted to exit this world, behind the wheel of your favorite vehicle wearing your uniform proudly.

RIP Donny x

Wanted for questioning

Tuesday I get a phone call from the Police... 

They have Jason's phone records and they are investigating his death.  They note that I am one of the last people he called before he passed away.

I get asked a series of questions and informed that I may have to come in for further questions.

Now I am thinking that there may be foul play involved with the death of Jason.  Not only that, is has dredged up feelings and emotions that I was starting to get over since his death.

I am once again at a bit of a loss.  Perhaps it's time I visited him.

Random act of kindness

On my way home tonight I figured it had cooled down enough to get a tank of fuel, plus I was down to possibly only 50kms of fuel left which inspired me to pull into Caltex to fill up..

This particular Caltex is very popular and has approximately 5 rows of bowsers.. This means there is about four (4) bowsers per row.. Of those 20 bowsers there is only one (1) diesel bowser.  I drive a diesel.

As I am pulling in, some dipshit of a woman is driving a little white Mitsubshi Mirage in front of me with her left hand indicator on, but she is veering to the right.  She is confusing not only me, but another guy in a ute in front of me.  She clearly has no clue where she is going, she is obviously looking for the right place to get her fuel.

Where does she end up?  At the one and only diesel bowser!  Seriously, she has numberous others to choose from, yes she goes directly there!  Meanwhile, ol'mate in the next row has a flat battery on his Toyota Hiace.  Blokeybloke the Plumber tries to give him a hand, but the jumper leads won't reach.. So, I wind my window down and offer my car...  Plumber fills his car and decamps

Now, my car (Dorry) is only 2 years old and I don't even know where the bloody battery is! So, I position Dorry close to Ol'mate's van and pop the bonnet and we proceed to look for the battery.  This is when I realise that Ol'mate is not only partically blind, but deaf too!

So, I have my head under my bonnet, yelling at Ol'mate over the diesel engine looking like a fool because I don't have a clue where the battery is.. I locate what I THINK is the battery and just to be sure check the user manual which isn't all that "chick friendly" however it did have pictures which didn't really mean much. 
Enter random blokey stranger who informs Ol'mate that we shouldn't be doing this with my car because it will fry my computer (no shit Sherlock!) but I do recall my mate Jen telling me that either the negative or the positive has to go on first, but I cannot remember which one.

So, Ol'mate thanks me very much for my time and I get back into the car to fuel up and my place in line has been taken by a monstrosity of an Audi (Mosman Tractor)... It's owner has finished fueling and is walking back with mobile in hand, he appears to be texting....  So I wait.. He is still texting while standing at his car door.. Texting... Texting... I'm thinking "get in your fucking tractor and drive off moron so other's can fuel up".. Texting.. More texting, this goes on for what seems like 5 minutes.. Finally he gets in the car, and stuffs around with the seat belt.. I am thinking "any moment now...", so after he fixes his make up and adjusts the mirror he is off and I realise that the price of diesel has gone up since I first got there.

DOH!

At the Movies with Aaron and Sal

Tonight's movie was THE KINGS SPEECH. Starring Colin Firth, Helena Botham, Geoffrey Rush and Guy Pearce to name a few.


A special mention to the Indian guy who shared the cinema with us. His performance consisted of a change of seating arrangement at least five (5) times and a excursion out of the cinema at least four (4) times. As to why he was so fidgety I am not sure. Here are a few speculations:

1. Bad Vindaloo curry
2. Worm infestation
3. Heavy smoker
4. Our giggling at his expense offended him
5. Left the kids in the car and had to go check on them
6. Didn’t have a watch so had to go outside to see where the moon was to tell the time
7. Dicky bladder
8. Thought he might see some extra action from us because we were alone in the Cinema
9. Nipped into other Cinema's to check out what they were watching
10. Was in the autodialler for a call centre so had to keep taking phone calls

In the end he had the whole Cinema of chairs to choose from (I mean, literally the WHOLE Cinema apart from the two we had our bums on) and he sat in the same row as us.

All in all I think his performance was brave, not only because he attended a late night movie alone, but because he put up with us sniggering like school kids and digging each other in the ribs whenever he made a move for the door or another seat.

On a brighter note: My legs don’t seem to want to function today, I am not sure if it's fatigue or the after effects of our alcohol consumption last night, but either way, I seriously need a massage.

All that being said, the movie was tremendous.  We both really enjoyed it and others have said that it was really good.. I say go see it, 9 out of 10!

Lazy Sunday

Everyone loves a lazy Sunday right?

Sleep in till 10am...  Phone calls to/from loved ones whilst still lazing about in bed.

Followed by a check of the painting job completed yesterday and a check of what else needs to be done..  Time for a strong coffee and raisin toast, let the girls out for a frolic before it gets too hot.  Have some quality time with the sofa and watch a few episodes of Dexter Season 4 before heading to the movies with Aaron later this evening.

I had a dream last night.  It was about girl guides knocking on the door to sell cookies..

They came inside while I was going to get money.. It was in another house, not mine, not Mum and Dad's

I caught one of them stealing perfume from my sisters room and kicked them both out quick smart.

I am not sure what that means.. Maybe I shouldn't be trusting someone who appears honest and trusting?  Or maybe I should just be saying "NO!" to cookies :)

TUNNEL OF DDDOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!

Friday was torture treatment day...


The morning started with a 6am wake up. Mum and I had to be at Hospital at 8am and it was suggested I take my Diazepam 30 minutes before going into the tunnel o' torture...

Wisely I waited until we got into the hospital car park before I actually took the diazepam which took effect within a short time.

My nerves weren't too bad considering I had been dreading this day for weeks.. But thanks to the count down provided by K2 it just drew closer and closer. Fortunately I had my Mummy with me :)

When we arrived at Imaging we realised I had forgotten my referral for the MRI from Dr H (doh!) so one of his Registrar's were paged and she wrote up a new one and it all happened so quickly and I was undressed (I do remember a conversation with the nurse about my bra and where I purchased it because she thought it was pretty and wanted one) and sitting in a chair wearing a stunning pale blue hospital gown with the vampire who was trying to find one of my small veins before I knew what was going on.. I will blame this loss of time on the Diazepam because I was rather dopey (surprise surprise).

Unfortunately for me, I have very small veins (I guess there is a line there about getting blood out of a stone) So, it took three (3) vampires to actually get a vein (sorry for those who don't like needles).

QUESTION: Can you lay on your back dead still for 90 minutes while you're being jiggled around back and forth in a tight tunnel while your head and neck and shoulders are pinned down in a brace and a cannular in your arm? Sounds daunting doesn’t it? Admittedly you do have an eye mask on and ear plugs in your ears as well as a "panic button" which I was holding in my right hand however I also had a syringe of contrast that I was holding in my left hand that was connected to the cannular in my left elbow.

By the time they actually put me on the MRI table I had lost my sense of humour and the diazepam had worn off. So I was going into the "tunnel of doom" ("TOD") pissed off and unmedicated… God help them!

About three quarters the way though (I estimate) I was pulled half out of the "TOD" and the Technician checked my welfare and then advised me he was going to give me the contrast. At this point I was BUSTING to go to the toilet and advised him that I needed to pee and asked him how much longer it would be. He told me five or ten minutes and could I hold on? I guess I didn’t have a choice because he has already injected the contrast and I was a captive audience. No pee break for me… So, back into the "TOD" I go..

You know how you are SO damned busting to go to the toilet that is ALL you can think about? It consumes you… You lay there with your bladder pulsating, it becomes even more uncomfortable each and every minute, especially when the bed is moving back and forth and jiggling as well at some points.. All you can think about is how you are so desperate for that relief.. This is me, trapped.. I thought how the hell am I going to get my mind off this incessant desire? For a while there I thought I was going to drop the lot.. BUT, then I realised I had to get my mind off it.. So, for the next FORTY minutes I sang (in my head)… I had a choice of either Monty Python's "I'm a Lumberjack" or Kenny Rogers "The Gambler".. I chose "I'm a Lumberjack for a few reasons:

1. It's more up beat than "The Gambler"

2. I knew all the words

3. Positive affirmation "I'm a Lumberjack and I'm OK!"

4. "The Gambler" talks about drinking and that's the last thing I wanted to think about.

When they pulled me out I pointed my finger at the Technician who told me "10 minutes", gave him "the look" and said in a stern voice "you lied to me!" he laughed and said "oh, didn’t it FEEL like 10 minutes?"

I wanted to kick him in the arse and ask him what that felt like just to make sure his perception of things was reality. But I didn't think that would be appropriate.

Anyway, all's well that ends well.. and they were having a joke with me about my inability to stand and picking on me because I needed to pee and trying to make me laugh (it worked). Then after a brief wait for the toot and a change out of my sexy hospital gown into my clothes I discovered Mother in the waiting room having a delightful conversation with all the other patients waiting for Imaging. Why is it that she can always make a friend no matter the situation? LOL, she's just one of those types of people who attracts others I think.

Once we got home I had a look at one of the film's and didn’t particularly like that I saw which has put me in a bit of an off mood. I've convinced myself that I'm going to get some bad news, so if I get good news I will be on top of the world.

So, now it's off to see Dr H on the 8th February with my pile of scans then to see Dr N on the 10th Feb to get the all clear on the Cervical Cancer front - here's hoping it's all good news.

It has to be good news, because I won $12.75 in the Lotto yesterday!!!!!!!!

Note: Thanks to Jen and Clarkie for singing "I'm a Lumberjack" to me that many times that it's now memorised.  Thanks to Mum, Dad, Kez, Geoff, Aaron and Dave for your support and patience.

Failure

Why do I try and get ahead in life? 

My brain is failing... My body is failing...

I should just give up now.  But there are far too many things that are left unfinished.  Maybe when I finish painting the laundry I'll give up.

Moving on........

Recently I've been looking at the prospect of moving to the Nation's Capital.. Mostly because I am over the traffic and I think it might be time for a change. Apparently a change is as good as a holiday.. Apparently. Whilst I love my job and I love what I do I am very much over this City!

Recently a friend pointed out to me the issue with the weather in Canberra being much colder than the climate I currently live in. Whilst I do originally come from the Coast where your undies can freeze on the Hills Hoist over night on a really cold night and the milk freezes in the cow's udders (ok, so that is a slight exaggeration), Canberra might be a slightly different story. Lord knows I've heard it can even snow there!

I will admit that there is one bonus that I've recently heard and that is that there is apparently an influx of single men in Canberra.. This could be a promising outcome of moving out of this cesspool.

I see a few solutions for the colder weather issue that I may face if/once I do move to the Nations Capital.

1. Buy a Snuggy
2. Buy an electric blanket
3. Engage someone to share body warmth
4. Don't move to Canberra, move to Cairns.
5. Buy warmer clothes
6. Install insulation: Put on more whale blubber
7. Avoidance - Get a job where I have to be overseas during the Aussie Winter months.
8. Adopt more pets. Cat's will provide a warmer environment.
9. Stop wearing undies.
10. "Suck it up Princess" and stay put.

The twelfth night, NOT the thirteenth or after......

"Now on the first day you shall take for yourselves the foliage of beautiful trees, palm branches and boughs of leafy trees and willows of the brook, and you shall rejoice before the LORD your God for seven days. " (Leviticus 23:40)

Today is the 17th January 2011. I thought that Christmas decorations are traditionally taken down on twelfth Night or the evening of January 5th. I also thought that it was unlucky to take the decorations down after the 12th night. So, does that mean that EVERYONE in this office building will be unlucky? Hells bells I hope not! So far 2011 is going very well for me.

Whilst Googling and researching this subject to ensure my thoughts were fact - or as close to it as possible (let's not let it be said that I fabricate things……..). I found something VERY interesting:

"Long ago it was thought that leaving the decorations up would cause a disaster. People believed that tree-spirits lived in the greenery (holy, ivy etc) they decorated their houses with.


The greenery was brought into the house to provide a safe haven for the tree-spirits during the harsh midwinter days. Once this period was over it was necessary to return the greenery back outside to release the tree-spirits into the countryside once again.

Failure to do this would mean that vegetation would not be able to start growing again (spring would not return), leading to an agricultural disaster."

Holy snappin duck poo! All of the lackadaisical people out there who haven't taken their Christmas decorations down (including this office) have caused all the flooding in Eastern Australia, the major fires in Western Australia not to mention the plague of Locusts that are swarming Western New South Wales!!!!!!!!  I reckon it might also be the reason why our Cricket game is off too!

This could also be the reasoning for all the birds/fish falling out of the sky dead recently as well as the larger number of whales beaching themselves..

Please note that as yet we have not got to the famine phase I think that's because most of us have been good and already taken our decorations down as to not piss off the God's of Christmas (or who ever they are that goven these things).

People of Australia, I beg of you to ensure that you remove your Christmas decorations promptly on the 5th of January each year… I will take it on as my duty to remind you all in fear of another natural disaster.