Illness of an avid reader...

Dear Ol'bastard

I am sorry to hear that you haven't been well...  I do hope that you feel better soon.

Some tips for you:

1. Please refrain from using ladders.  They cause nothing but strife and it is advised that you do not use them in the presence of cats (of any colour).

2. Please avoid using heavy machinery/equipment for the next few months.  Heavy machinery used incorrectly can cause serious harm to one that is not experienced.  Please take care and get some training before operating equipment such as drills, chainsaws, electric kettles and whippersnippers (please note that ladders may also be included in this).

3. Avoid machinery whilst under the influence of prescribed drugs.  I think this goes without saying, however, you are a mere male, and let it not be said that I didn't warn you about the dangers of climbing a ladder under the influence of Viagra....  Whoops I meant Oxynorm.

4. You might wanna put your glasses on.  But ensure you secure them around your neck on one of those ol'lady/man strings.. I'll buy you one and pop it in the post for you.  DO NOT use a shredder unless you are either wearing your glasses or they are on your desk or neatly tucked away in your walking frame.

5. Teach the dog to dial 000.  She might need it too should you happen to run over her... Again.

I do hope these few tips have helped and that you have a speedy recovery.

Chin up!