This might get a bit personal... Read with caution!

I guess it's safe to reveal that, whilst not trying, Bloke and I recently encountered our first pregnancy.

At first I thought nothing of being "late" and it wasn't until I had a conversation about constipation (of all things!) with a dear friend who is going though IVF that the penny dropped that I could actually be pregnant. 

I thought, "hang on... I am constipated" ssooooooo, then and only then did I put two and two together and got 46 chromosomes.. 

Now bare in mind that I thought that my plumbing didn't work.  We knew that Bloke was in working order cause he has living, walking, driving, talking proof of that (albeit it was 21 years ago), I on the other hand had myself convinced that I didn't have what it would take to foster the environment for a foetus, little did I know!

The following day after a discussion with Bloke about the prospect of us being pregnant, I trudged down to the only Pharmacy in town wearing dark glasses and a hoody and after walking around for a while I figured I looked suspicious and decided to disguise my voice to ask the young lady behind the counter where they have hidden the pregnancy tests.  I swear it's a conspiracy!

Home I go with little brown paper bag in hand, and with Bloke waiting nerviously in the loungeroom, I locked myself in the toilet armed with a little bit of stage fright and a good case of nerves.  By what seemed like the 10 minute mark I managed to pee enough on the stick according to the instructions of which I read numberous times. NOTE: the top of the toilet paper roll is a great makeshift shelf for holding instructions.

So I place the stick on the floor between my feet and wait... and wait... and wait... "Are you ok in their Darl?"...  I can see a positive sign and I wait and I wait and I wait.. I think at this point I am either waiting for the positive sign to become a negative again OR I am just frozen stiff in shock.  It is winter, my arse could have been frozen to the toilet, but that's highly unlikely..

Eventually I managed to vacate the premises and walk into the lounge room with stick in hand, I had no words, I couldn't speak, I couldn't even say a thing to Bloke to sat patiently waiting for me to emerge from the toilet with an answer, eventually all I could do was to walk over and hand it to him, point at the positive sign and grunt. He's chuffed! So happy he is almost bursting at the seams! Me on the other hand am confused and shocked.

A visit to the GP a few days later confirmed that we were in fact 6 weeks pregnant and due on Australia Day! 

So, we go through all the motions of making sure I am eating well, no more alcohol, lots of chocolate, no more soft cheeses or processed meats, boost my vitamin intake and take it easy until our 12 week scan in July..  I have never been pregnant before I didn't even know how to be pregnant!  I was sure it couldn't be that hard!

I guess I could afford myself the chance to get a little bit excited about being a Mum, I guess I could allow myself a chance to get used to the fact that Bloke and I would share in the wonders of bringing a child into the world, thank god he had experience cause I was clueless!!

However I suppose as much as you try and as much as you start to get used to an alien growing inside you and the changes your body is going through and how your life is about to change it doesn't make it any easier when you discover that it is not to be and at 8 weeks we had a miscarriage.  Devastated! Saddened!  There was nothing I could do to prevent it, I was doing everything right but I guess it all boils down to "everything happens for a reason".. EVERYTHING!  Even if it is heart wrenching.

Obviously baby wasn't ready for this world..  Baby had to be somewhere else.

I kinda thought that our first ultrasound would show a little blob and we would be able to hear a heartbeat, but it wasn't meant to be.  So after going to see the radiologist for our first ultrasound only to find nothing and about 6 days of pain and 9 days bleeding we are going to give it another try and hope like hell that we don't ever have to go though that again.

I reflect on those women that I know that have been though a miscarriage multiple times, some have had up to 8 miscarriages trying to fall pregnant and to create a family and I think about my own experience and I think "it's gotta take a seriously strong and determined woman to go through that more than once".

I also reflect on those women who have gone through a miscarriage alone or without a supportive partner.  The pain is sometimes debilitating and whilst I have never been through child birth I have been told that is what it's like.

To those women out there that have gone though a miscarriage more than once, I take my hat off to you, not only do you have to endure the pain, but the feeling of loss, failure that you feel within yourself and disappointment that goes through your mind.

I have learnt a few things from this unfortunate and sad occassion.  I will perhaps be a little more thankful of what my body can do.. I will not be quite so shocked next time.. 

I will be aware that when I am in a waiting room bragging to my partner or parents about being pregnant and finding out the sex of baby that quite possibly somewhere within ear shot there could be a woman that has just got the sad news of losing her baby and she could well be grieving and the last thing she wants to hear is another woman beaming about her first scan. But on the other hand I will be happy for that woman.

But that being said, I will be even more thankful that I have my loving partner beside me with his arm around me hugging me tightly against him and reassuring me that we'll be successful next time.  Cause we will!