Ok, so it’s been a while since I blogged.. Time to get back into it so I can try and get myself out of this funky fog that I seem to be in right now.
I’ve been seeing a psychologist who said that if blogging works for me I should continue it. So, I should be getting into the habit of doing this at least once a week.. Like my meditation that I am supposed to be doing more often. Yep, I’m gunna do that I promise.. I am going to get my mind space in the right environment.
Lately I have been crying every time I sit on the toilet or have a shower.. There is no one there to judge me except the cat/s.. Sometimes they just stare at me other times they give me some drive by love and a gentle meow like they know that I am upset.
Why am I upset?
Maybe it’s this illness that I and millions.. MILLIONS, tens of millions of others have.. It’s not like I am on my own in this fucking boat.. Sometimes it feels like it though, you might know exactly what that feels like.. I am not the ONLY idiot in the village with this STUPID illness... I am not the only clown that kicks their toe on the coffee table...
Maybe it’s because I don’t have my own space.. I’ve gone from living alone to living with my partner and his 21yr old son.. Nothing is sacred, I don’t really have my own space except our bedroom, I can’t walk around in my undies and bra (or less) and I can’t have chocolate or liquorice in the house without it being eaten.
Maybe it’s because I left a very successful career to be with my fabulous partner?.. I left the hustle and bustle of the City on a very generous wage to be with him in a small country town and loose a substantial amount of credibility and wages but that was MY CHOICE, I don’t regret it, not for one moment.
Do I miss my friends or do I miss my work?
Sure I miss the work I used to do, it was fulfilling and I felt like I was giving back to the Community and I felt like I was using my brain and challenging myself. My new job doesn't challenge me, whilst I am so very very lucky to have a good job in a small country town within 6 minutes drive from home, I do feel like I need something else that will challenge me, so I'm going to do some volunteer work.. Plus maybe I'll make some new friends.
I do miss my friends, I haven’t felt the need to create a few friendship circle down here, because I love the friends I have and to be honest I didn’t really spend a lot of time with them on weekends anyway because we worked together in the city. The friendships I have developed since moving to the country are beautiful, there are some awesome people that surround my partner and I am blessed to have them, but I do think that my psychologist is right, and I should be listening to my partner when he's been saying since I moved down here that I need to make my own friends, I just didn't see the need.
So, maybe it’s because I don’t have my own friends? The Council have a list of organisations that want volunteers, so I’ve printed that out and I am going to put it on a pin board and make a decision from there with some kind of volunteer work that will allow me to use my brain and to start to feel like I am giving back to the Community.
Meanwhile, my partner knows that I am upset and out of sorts, so what does he do today at lunchtime? He brings me chocolate coated marshmallows... Because he’s like that, because he’s gorgeous and I am the luckiest girl to have his love and understanding.
